Is my husband refusing to take responsibility or am I just being insensitive? (As asked by somebody)
Every time something goes wrong in my husband’s day, he tends to blame his circumstances on a traumatic job experience from his past. He will sit and talk for hours about the same situation, how he was victimized, and how others should have helped him; he sounds as if others owe him loyalty. However, I see the situation as being partly his fault. While I am trying to be sensitive to his needs, I think he’s obsessing and needs to move on. For example, he keeps up with who is hired and fired at his former job and he constantly reads negative former employee reviews. When he sleeps, he has nightmares about the situation or talks about them in his sleep. He’ll sometimes stay up for hours writing about what others should have done differently. It’s like he’s living in the past, and is trying to alter the past situation in his favor. He has developed a negative attitude towards trusting people, even me; he says that the only person he can trust is himself and it’s just a matter of time before I betray him. He no longer wants to go in public in our town because he says that he might run into former coworkers; he drives to the next town to shop. Is this reasonable?
Best Answer: From the quandary which you have given, it is evident that fault lies with your husband. Question is; who can help him now? You are the only one who is suffering being near to him and you can only help him come out of this predicament since one who is near the burning fire would be affected by its heat. You have some options which are given below:-
(a) As far as possible, divert his attention from his current state of mind to something productive in the household. If you’ve got your offspring tell him about his/her little little prattles, his/her performance in the school or something positive which has transpired in the household.
(b) Try to take him to temple/church or any other worshipping place which may help him change his outlook and he turns to spirituality. It is a fact that spirituality is a great binding and changing force. Nothing will happen in jiffy. Much water has flown down the drain and spoilt his mind but things could be soothed if you become a stabilizing force. With God’s grace everything could change. This should actually be made known to him by you only. Practical spirituality helps.
(c) He ought to be told in clear terms, whatsoever has happened cannot be retrieved – may it be his prestige or position. He should not delve more in the past which is dead and unpredictable future but try living in the present moment. This moment is right now.
(d) A lot of negativity has cluttered in the mindscale of your husband. Whatever he observes consciously, he pens that down, takes it to sub-conscious mind and subsequently it comes in his dream thus there is possibility of hallucinations’ and talking in the dreams. All of these events go to his non-conscious mind which lead to critical problems. Just be sure that he does not repeat what happens in the office. Official incidents should be left in the corridors of office only. If these are brought to ‘home’ then that home would become house and subsequently a ‘quarrelling house’ – dissensions and breaking point.
(e) If possible, take him for some counseling session, if things do not stabilize soon.
(f) If his parents could chip in for rectification of his state of mind then it may have sound affect on him.
Askers rating: *****
Family is an institution wherein both the couples should understand each other, have compatibility, possess the traits of forget and forgive including, sometimes, follow the dictum: Silence is golden. It does not create animosity and differences.
Seemingly, in our quest for smooth relationship, sometimes, we become too much concerned, a concern bordering on inconsiderateness to our partner; which the other partner may think to be insincerity in continuing relationship. For example, if a person has a bad patch in home and office, he/she feels very low mentally. The other partner should listen to his/her problem very minutely, suggest probable solution(s) and if nothing changes through joint efforts then take the help of the elders in the home who would be more than willing to chip in for rendering help since compatibility between the spouses brings in peace and tranquility in the family. If even then solution is not found then professional help could be sought. Above all these, sincere and solid belief on our Creator solves most of our problem.
Try to cobble home intractable solutions through consultation and persuasion rather than resorting to blame-game in order to score points which may create suspicion and knots which could make the matters worst for the family..
All the above cited should be pursued soon or otherwise it may have negative effective effect on the entire family. The sooner some solution is sought the better for you too.
In our life, we tend to face moments which are not of our liking but wisdom is to withstand and remain cool customer despite hurdles. It should be kept in mind that ‘time’ factor contributes much in our life. It removes much of our skepticism, confusions and misunderstandings. Those who stick to old-rut and do not learn their lesson from the past experiences are doomed to get more gloom.